After The Laramie Project

It has been a busy two months for us. On one side we were in the middle of rehearsals and performances for two plays (Cindy Ellen & The Laramie Project) and on the other side we had rehearsals for Dance ISU in Concert: Transitions. Of course we weren't the only ones, but we were part of that crazy group of performers that want to experience it all, and be part of it all. Well, I never knew how much impact The Laramie Project would have on us...well mostly me (Omar). As you all know I posted several months back that I had been a victim of a hate crime. One of the reasons I decided to do Laramie was to face my fears and stand up for what I believe in. In one of the rehearsals the director Phil Shepherd asked me to share my story and gladly I did, but as I was sharing it I found myself looking down. At the time I wasn't sure or knew exactly why I did that, and later I went home and thought about it. I realized that I did not want to look up because I did not want to see others looking at me, I did not want to cry, I wanted to hold myself together and be strong. I knew that when I talked about it...that it would touch a very sensitive spot within me, and up till then I did not know how to handle it or for that matter what to do with it as I retold it and as the story came out of my mouth. Well through the process of the Laramie Project I focus a lot on my character, I played Moises Kaufman and the Narrator, which was a true honor. It was an honor because I was on stage watching the entire show and found myself at a point where I could no longer run away from any fear I would have. There were moments where my fear would sneak in and I would have really horrible thoughts and even nightmares. There was this one time that I woke up after I had dreamed that some one shot me on the way to rehearsals for Laramie. On opening night as the lights came up I looked at the crowd afraid of seeing strangers or an unfamiliar face that would stand up and do something horrible to me or to any of my fellow cast members. Every night, before I went on stage I stood behind the wooden wall and prayed to have something good come out of every night, and I prayed for safety. I knew my fears and scars would surface, but I never thought how heavy it had been. Truly having repressed the incident for so long had definitely an impact on how heavy it had resurfaced. But I knew I had to do this and I wanted to do this for myself, to move on, to be strong, and to show others that something such as hate crime can only make you stronger. I wanted to show others that you can survive and fight to make a change, to make a difference, and to bring awareness. Through out the play I found myself angry. I was angry at society, I was angry at those who think that they have the right to violate someones personality, someone self, and violate who they are because they just simply do not like it. It only took two men to take Matthew Shepherd's life... I was GAY BASHED by four Hispanic drunk men on the 24th floor of a Marriott Hotel, in Houston's prestigious Medical Center. I could have died, I could have missed out on meeting Rick Schroder (my mentor), I could have missed out on coming to ISU, I could have missed out on being introduced to the love of my life, I could have missed out on getting married with Vic, and I could have missed out on all the wonderful people I have met here in Idaho. During some of the nights of performing Laramie I found myself in many of my cast members shoes and thinking how strong we all were to do this play.

They say Diversity, but do they really want it?

It has been a while since blogging and it has been a seriously busy semester. Part of the great things about being a student is how hard you work and seeing those accomplishments at the end of the semester. So what happens when you know you have done well at something and you are told you just did not do well enough to be part of something great? Think about it, you invest a lot of time all semester, put forth a lot of effort, and qualities such as people skills that are not taught! This University keeps talking about how much more diversity they want, but instead of seeing the whole picture of how a diverse individual can make a difference to bring to the students, they look at one final score that determines if you are in or you are out. Knowledge is power and you can teach students all the materials and information you want, but when it comes to that one on one session with another unique human being, it is important to have that touch of humanity. If a student just wanted information there is plenty of technology now in days where they can just get it through the internet. Students come in to see another human being because they want that human touch and they want that face to face interaction. I still walk into the same place and see little diversity and I still walk in the same place and see that the majority of the people are white. Sure you have your hispanic, your African American, and your one white gay person. That is 1, 2, 3...so I guess they are good. But where does the majority stand? If you really say you want Diversity do not just say, do something about it and find ways to go further! Or maybe they just do not mean it enough? What do you think?

Omar's Hate Crime; Never Give Up!

A couple of years ago I was standing in Speech class about to give a speech about awareness on Hate Crime. My attention getter was the words that were engraved in my memories from one of the four men that had attacked me 6 years ago for being a homosexual. His words were, "Where is your girlfriend, oh wait you don't have one cause your a wet-back fagot that is infesting our world!" followed by a punch to my face with his friends joining in... They did not even know my name. As I stood there in front of 30 students and about to say those words...I choked, I began to feel the memory resurface. In that instant I realized I had buried it and never really talk about it with anyone. I had buried it so deep, that it was like if it never happened... I had to take a minute and was able to finish the speech, but the whole time I could hear my heart and I was barely in control, but I made it through the speech. I then realized that I needed to talk about it, I needed to deal with it because I never had closure with that night. A year after the speech I decided to do a dance solo to help me have some closure, to help me express it through my passion for art, and to do it to expose myself and share with others my experience. The solo was another hard step because not only did I perform it at Idaho State University it was selected to be performed at the American College Dance Festival in March of 2010. It became harder to expose the solo in front 450 students from the Northwest region and their faculty that I had created for myself. I did not take in mind the idea of performing it to so many strangers, when I was still sort of dealing with it. At that point I felt I needed to do the solo to deal with it, and to share it with others who might need it. It was my challenge.

But maybe first I should talk about that day. I feel that now is the right time to share this with others.

At the time I was living in Houston, TX and worked three jobs. On a Friday evening I had been invited to a small party at the Marriott that was located in the prestigious area know as the Medical Center. We showed up to the hotel and went up to the 24th floor. When we entered the suite I noticed it was mostly men with and only a few women. I did not get a good feeling in me at all, so I went up to the friends I had shown up with and told them I wasn't really feeling the party. They wanted to stay and mingle for a while, so I decided to step out of the suite and went downstairs to wait in the lobby. After about 45 minutes I decided I was going to just tell them I was leaving, and found no need for me to stay. When I got to the 24th floor the elevator doors opened and in front of me stood four very drunk Hispanic males. They began to question me if I had a girlfriend and if so, where was she. Before I could answer they began to call me fagot, wet back, queer, and so on followed by a punch to my face from one of the guys. I began to fight back out of the elevator and for my life, I punched back, and shoved and ran around the 24th floor knocking on doors and calling out for help, while fighting the four guys off me. I finally noticed that one of the guys began to feel bad and question what his friends were doing. He did not say anything but his face got pale when he saw how much damage his friends were doing. This guy managed to prop one of the fire escape doors open and just told me to run. I ran non-stop 24 flights of stairs till I got to the lobby. Once I got to the lobby I ran to the help desk to seek help, only to find that the elder man in charge wasn't really trying to assist me or call the cops for me. I then decided to run out to the parking garage to get my car and go to the cops. As I was stepping out to the garage the four men were running to their car and peeled out of the parking garage. A few seconds later security from the hotel across ran over to see what was going on. Finally, the security people from across the street were nice enough to assist me and call the cops for me. That night I sat and filled out a police report saying that I was a victim of Hate Crime. That evening I drove home with a busted lip, a black eye, my face swollen, and a few bruises on my torso, but I had survived. Emotionally, I was not O.K. As I drove home, I shook like never before, as if a lot of me had been ripped out of me. The next morning I had to be at work. I decided to get their early enough so no one would see me except for management. I brought in my police report and asked for some time off to heal. After that I could not leave my house for almost two weeks. I was angry at the world, I was scared to go anywhere, and I did not trust anyone.

Anyways, after that I went back to work, but I was not social for a very long time, and I began to find ways of coping with it on my own. I had no family support at the time because my family did not accept me being an open gay Hispanic male, so it was me who had to pick me up and put me back together. I never heard back from the police on my case either. I also found out three years later too late that I could have sued the Marriott for their lack of assistance. I feel lucky now that I am here in 2010 typing about my horrible experience, and hope that others will stand up for what they believe, and do not let others bully you. And if I can survive such experience, just think life is not over, so don't let anything or anyone bring you down to the level of taking your life. Now there is so much support, that wasn't available back when I was a victim of a hate crime, so please seek help because there are many people that are standing up and fighting against bullying and hate crimes! Fight for your rights and fight for your right to live!

The Cinematic Orchestra - to build a home

A Good Rainy Day to Wash it All Away!

Good morning to all and Happy Friday! Well it appears fall is here and just in time for a good rain to wash away the old dirt and bring in a whole lot of new things for the new season. Halloween is around the corner, but already we are seeing Thanksgiving and Christmas in the stores and what a good time to lift spirits with the economy and so much hate. The Holidays remind us of how as little kids we got excited about the cookies, the hot chocolate, the gatherings, and of course who could forget the gifts! With fall spreading all over us maybe it is important that we spread a little more happiness and togetherness. I don't mean to sound cheesy, but I think it is time to let go of all the strong egos, the drama, the bull headed pride, and the pity arguments and strive for a healthier outlook at life with less drama and stress. It's time that we say enough is enough and go back to enjoying our life and choices we make, because after all we do have control of how we choose to live our lives. So why not make bold decision by making the right decisions to change your negatives into positive, learn to say yes to something that makes you happy, and learn to say no to those things that are not mentally, physically, and emotionally unhealthy for you. Learn to take the high road. In the end we really don't gain much from holding strong to bullshit that is not worth stressing over. If you need to take a personal day and do what you love to do... do it. You have the right to do this for your well being and for the well being of those who surround you and love you. You don't need to have 500 friends to be rich, you only need to have a few close friends, and the true friends usually you will only be able to count with two hands. Richness comes with knowledge and learning, and making healthy choices for yourself. So people should just make a change and shift the winds in their lives to strive for a more empowering and positive outlook. Don't wait till the New Years to roll around! Just like the rain, let it wash away and shed your old skin so you can try a whole new one, by changing old habits with more positive habits and new adventures whether you are single or in a relationship. If you have that special someone with you, take the time to spend time with them, or try new things in celebration of your relationship. A new adventure is always exciting with your loved one! So let Fall sweep you and take you in a new positive direction and let your friends know how much you appreciate them being in your life, and finally just turn around and walk away from the drama!

The Dearest of Friends

Today has been a long day. Vic and I have been working all day. We both woke up a bit sick, more me than Vic. All I wanted to do was just be at home and lay under the covers. I wanted to make the world go away, but sometimes you just have to get up and do what you need to do for the day, and face the world. But then something really absolutely fabulous happened! We had posted on our facebook that we were feeling a bit under the weather and got a lot of "get well" wishes, which was nice and pleasant, but then our wonderful and dear friend Pamela Perna did a wonderful gesture. Pamela Perna decided to make homemade chicken soup and even added a nice touch of carrots straight from her garden. After she finished making the soup she packed it along with a few small, soft loafs of bread and decided that she was going to make a trip. Pamela Perna came by our job and out of the kindness of her wonderful heart decided to share her delicious chicken soup with us! The wonderful thing was that this is all it took to make our day better. We still felt sick, but the fact that she went out of her daily routine to make a stop to make us feel better lifted our spirits and it was then I knew it was all worth it when you have people like Pamela in your life. It is worth it because one day someone will step in front of us and will need a nice, kind gesture. Thank you Pamela for being so nurturing and having such a wonderful heart, and thank you for brightening our day.

Thoughts

So Omar is rehearsing for Bridgets show here at OTAS and its coming along very well! I am so hungry!! But i cant eat without him! Life is good right now! Its wonderful. Tomorrow we finish our photoshoot with Deanna so i am excited! School is lame right now! Dont wanna be in school, i just wanna lay in bed with Omar all night and day!! Oh and play video games!